Case 001 | Audio/Action for New Bark Town

[canthearyou]

HELLO! IS THIS THING ON? CAN YOU HEAR ME?

[The voice speaking appears to be yelling as loudly as possible into the receiver, and sounds a little confused about his current situation.]

I’VE NEVER SEEN A PHONE LIKE THIS, SO I’M NOT SURE IF THIS CALL IS EVEN GOING OUT. IF ANYONE CAN HEAR THIS, I THINK I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED. IT’S THE DAMNDEST THING THOUGH. I DON’T REMEMBER BEING KIDNAPPED. OR MY MOTHER LOOKING LIKE THAT! ALSO, WHAT KIND OF KIDNAPPING COMES WITH A FREE PET?

[There’s a brief pause before the silence is broken by more yelling.]

THOUGH I’M NOT SURE EXACTLY WHAT THIS THING IS. IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE ANY ANIMAL I’VE EVER SEEN. SEEMS PRETTY QUIET TOO. THEN AGAIN, THE MYSTERY PET ISN’T REALLY THE PROBLEM HERE. IF ANYONE IS RECEIVING THIS PLEASE SAY SOMETHING AND LET ME KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. OR TELL ME HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES. PREFERABLY THE POLICE OR THE NEAREST FIELD OFFICE. TELL THEM REGIONAL BUREAU CHIEF GORDON COLE WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK WITH THEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. THANK YOU.

[After hanging up, or at least thinking he’s hung up, Gordon puts the phone away and kneels down to take a closer look at his Whismur. Yelling at it doesn’t seem to be doing anything besides freaking it out, so if anyone wants to try and prevent the volume level going even higher, now might be the best time to step in.]

Comments

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL

[canthearyou]

ALBERT? IS THAT YOU? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

[Gordon is so confused right now.]

AND WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT KELP?

LIKE THE VENUS DE MILO

[worktodo]

[He is holding his Gear approximately two feet away from his ear right now, thank you, Gordon.]

IT'S ME. AND COOPER'S HERE TOO; I'M SURE HE'S HEARD YOU'VE ARRIVED BY NOW. Him and the rest of this damn country.

[And naturally, there are passerby staring at the crazy man shouting into his Gear, and they are summarily treated to one of Albert's best and most withering gazes in return.]

THE GOOD NEWS IS, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN KIDNAPPED. FROM WHAT WE CAN TELL, AT LEAST.

THE KIND OF COMBO THAT MAKES YOU WISH YOU SPOKE A LITTLE FRENCH

[canthearyou]

[Okay, not being kidnapped is good, but he's still a little lost.]

THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW ALBERT, BUT WHAT ARE YOU AND COOPER DOING HERE? IS ANYONE ELSE HERE THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT? AND HAVE THE LOCAL POLICE BEEN NOTIFIED ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

[worktodo]

[Hey, at least Gordon took better to Mom than Albert did.]

I'LL LET COOP HANDLE THE FIRST QUESTION, SIR. AS FOR THE OTHERS, THE CURRENT HEADCOUNT STANDS AT US THREE, AND THE LOCAL POLICE ARE A SHAM.

[canthearyou]

A SHAM? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

[Albert, did someone punch you again?]

[worktodo]

[SURPRISINGLY NOT YET, BOSS. Though it's only a matter of time.]

Where do I even start. YOU'RE NOT LIKELY TO GET ANY ANSWERS OUT OF THEM.

YOU'RE ALSO NOT LIKELY TO FIND A CAR, TRAIN, BOAT, STREETCAR, WAGON, OR TRICYCLE ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR CURRENT LOCATION. APPARENTLY THE STANDARD FORM OF TRANSPORTATION IN THIS GRANOLA-EATING WILDERNESS IS YOUR TWO FEET.

[canthearyou]

UNCOOPERATIVE ARE THEY? THAT'S A SHAME, BUT MAYBE I CAN GET SOMETHING WORKED OUT WITH THEM. WHERE'S THE NEAREST STATION?

[Gordon takes a moment to consider the other half of Albert's statement. There's no way that's right, is there?]

ALBERT, AM I HEARING YOU RIGHT? THERE'S NO TRANSPORTATION?

[worktodo]

BEST I'VE BEEN ABLE TO PIECE TOGETHER, ABOUT THREE DAYS' WALK TO THE WEST OF YOU. THAT'S THE LOCAL STANDARD FOR DISTANCE, BY THE WAY — HOW MANY DAYS OF WALKING. SINCE THERE'S NO TRANSPORTATION.

[Even someone as hard of hearing as Gordon wouldn't be able to miss the loathing in Albert's tone at that.]

...WELL. NOT UNLESS COOPER CALLS YOU IN A FAVOR.

[canthearyou]

DAYS? SO I'M SUPPOSED TO WALK FOR DAYS UNTIL I REACH SOMEWHERE WITH A POLICE DEPARTMENT? THAT'S INCONVENIENT. THEIR RESPONSE TIMES MUST BE TERRIBLE.

[Gordon can definitely hear the loathing Albert, but he's more concerned with getting information on what's going on.]

AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT A FAVOR? COOPER MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE LOCAL PD AGAIN?

[worktodo]

AND WHEN IT'S NOT INCONVENIENT, IT'S INCOMPREHENSIBLE. WHAT KIND OF MYSTERY PET DID THEY STICK YOU WITH?

[He's just...going to let that second part pass. In silent fury. He is, after all, trying to get his own set of information, too.]

[canthearyou]

WHAT? WHAT KIND OF PET? I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS, ALBERT. IT'S PINK AND HAS RABBIT EARS, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S NOT A RABBIT. QUIET LITTLE GUY, CAN'T HEAR A DAMN THING IT'S SAID THOUGH.

[worktodo]

[—wait, what the hell was that thing he just heard?]

IT TALKS TO YOU?

[canthearyou]

I'M NOT SURE. LOOKS LIKE IT'S TRYING TO. ITS MOUTH IS MOVING BUT I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING. IT LOOKS WORRIED BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.

[It might be the guy yelling at it. Who knows?]

[worktodo]

Not twenty-four hours in and already you're talking to mysterious pink rabbits. More importantly, you're getting worried that they're not talking back.

[...]

I CAN IMAGINE A LOT THAT MIGHT BE WRONG WITH IT, SIR.

[canthearyou]

LIKE WHAT ALBERT? YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH THESE THINGS?

[Because Gordon sure doesn't.]

[worktodo]

EVERYONE GETS ONE WHEN THEY FIRST SHOW UP. MINE WAS A DOG.

[And somewhere nearby, Gandhina abruptly perks up, recognizing the word "dog" and wondering why her master is practically screaming it at his Gear thing.]

[canthearyou]

A DOG? NO, ALBERT, IT'S NOT A DOG. I SAID IT RESEMBLES A RABBIT. NOT A DOG. A RABBIT.

[worktodo]

EVERYONE. GETS. ONE.

[Albert, people are staring again probably.]

MINE. WAS. A. DOG.

[canthearyou]

[It's okay, Gordon is probably attracting his share of stares too.]

WHAT'S THAT ALBERT? YOU GOT A DOG? DOES EVERYONE GET ONE OF THESE THINGS?

[worktodo]

YES. EVERYONE.

[Face. In. Hands.]

[canthearyou]

SEEMS ODD TO MOVE SOMEONE TO A WHOLE NEW TOWN JUST TO GIVE THEM A FREE PET AND THEN EXPECT THEM TO WALK BACK HOME. WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON THIS SITUATION?

[worktodo]

I'VE GOT NO CONCLUSIVE ANSWERS YET FOR WHERE WE ARE ON A GEOGRAPHICAL BASIS, WHAT MEANS WERE USED TO MOVE US HERE, OR WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THE OVERALL ABDUCTION.

THE GOING THEORY AMONG MOST OF THE SUBJECTS WHO AREN'T NATIVE TO THIS BOONDOCKS IS THAT ITS STRUCTURE AND WORKINGS MIRROR SOME KIND OF CHILDREN'S GAME THEY'RE FAMILIAR WITH, THE PURPOSE OF WHICH I CAN'T TELL, OUTSIDE OF THE GENERAL "BE THE BEST" TRIPE THAT I ASSUME THE WOMAN CALLING HERSELF "MOM" SPOUTED AT YOU UPON YOUR ARRIVAL.

I'D NEED TO SEE YOUR NEW PET TO GIVE YOU A BETTER RUNDOWN ON WHAT IT IS OR WHAT ITS THEORETICAL CAPABILITIES ARE, BUT THE RUNNING TREND IS THAT EVERY CREATURE IN THIS PLACE CAN BE CATEGORIZED INTO ONE OF SEVENTEEN "TYPES", AND EACH TYPE SHARES SIMILAR OR IDENTICAL ABILITIES.

[A pause.]

COOP, FOR EXAMPLE, IS THE PROUD OWNER OF A DOG THAT BREATHES FIRE.

I was so tempted to just put WHAT WAS THAT ALBERT orz

[canthearyou]

SO THIS IS SOME SORT OF GAME? DOESN'T SEEM LIKE ANY GAME I'VE EVER SEEN. WE DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME FOR GAMES, ALBERT.

[It's not chess, so that's good, right?]

AND I THINK MINE'S A RABBIT TYPE. IT SORT OF LOOKS LIKE A RABBIT. I DON'T THINK IT BREATHES FIRE THOUGH. THAT MUST REALLY BE SOMETHING.

crying so hard

[worktodo]

BELIEVE ME, SIR, IF I KNEW A WAY TO GET US ALL THE HELL OUT OF HERE, WE'D BE LONG GONE BY NOW.

[Not chess is good. Not Windom Earle is very good. Unless you believe what Coop said about him showing up in a dream...]

JUST WATCH YOUR STEP UNTIL YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT IT DOES. I GUARANTEE IT DOES SOMETHING.

[canthearyou]

I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON IT THEN. ONCE I FIND OUT WHAT IT DOES, I'LL LET YOU KNOW SINCE YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT THESE THINGS.

[Maybe he'll show Albert too. ALBERT DO YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT WHISMUR DOES? OR HEAR?]

AS TO A WAY HOME, I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP LOOKING. LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED, ALBERT. HOPEFULLY, THERE'S AN ANSWER SOMEWHERE.